It's moving too fast for me to keep up. Before I know it, you'll be gone.
Yesterday, you told Mom that we had talked. You said I had told you that I am coming to get you so that I can take you to the water, in Austin. This was hard to hear since we never talked yesterday. It's bizarre that you talked with me inside your mind and I assured you that I would come for you. The me inside your mind and the me that exists outside are in sync, for certain. While I understand what you are experiencing is part of the dying process, it's almost too much for me to bear. It's too much that I bring you comfort even when I am not there and I curse myself for not having made enough time. Although, I am lucky that I have been able to help you with the time that we have had. The idea that you might be waiting for me to come get you fills me with a pride and purpose that I haven't felt before. I just hope that you can wait for me just a little bit longer. Just 2 more days. Just hang on for 2 more days and I will be home. Then, if you want, we'll go to Austin together. I promise. As time progresses, and I become lost in my stress, I think about how horrible this must be to you. I know you don't want to die now. I know you don't want to leave us behind like this. I know. I can't imagine the fear, frustration, and hopelessness you feel. It must be equally as potent as my anger and despair as I watch you waste away before my eyes.
I feel like I should have pushed you more to be prepared. I feel that I should be better equipped to help you now. I feel that of all my personal preparation I have neglected the worst case scenario for you. I never imagined that cancer would be eating you up this fast. I can't help feeling like I should be doing more and sacrificing everything to keep you comfortable and healthy. But I can't. I am just as stuck as you are, only I am having to watch you die. For that, I can't apologize enough. The best I can do is take care of your wife and daughter in the best way possible. It's more than I would give anyone else on this Earth, but it's still not enough. For that, I'm sorry. I just wish I had the money and the ability to keep you from suffering so much as you transcend this reality. I work through the guilt every day and will continue to for the rest of my life. But I take solace in knowing that I can at least do my best to take care of the family for you. If only there were some way to make it all work now... The past 32 years have always been a question for me in regard to our relationship but I can't be grateful enough for the time we are spending together now. It erases all the hurt and questions I have carried. My inner child has forgiven during this process, almost in a catharsis, and the emerging adult in me rises to meet it's moral obligation. Now that you are so close to being gone forever, I just want it to hurry up. I want this over with so that you can float among the stars like you have always day-dreamed. I want you among the stars so that when I look up in search of UFO's I'll know that you're up there seeing them. But throughout this whole process I will love you and hope that when you return to the Cosmos, you will smile down on me. And be sure not to visit Jupiter before I do. I want to do that together. Love you, Dad. I don’t want relief to pour from the sky
I’d rather see rain I’d rather see rain fall and darken the ground It would at least line up with the cloud that’s cast an even a darker shadow over everything in our lives again -- Relief is intangible and subjective, anyway, isn’t it? It’s true: even if this shit were all washed away It wouldn’t make anything any better for anyone, anyhow So bring me rain - at least that’s real. Measurable Irrefutable -- Rain can be appreciated without needing to think about it That’s more than I can say for relief Because we all know that you’ll never, ever be satisfied and the black hole inside your chest will just move on positioning you nearest to the brightest lights so they may be lost forever -- I’ll take rain. I’ll take it however I can get it Because I know that it’s pure, has no selfish agenda and doesn’t mind if I appreciate it or not It just exists. It just is Which is how I will be until this whole fucking mess is over with -- And for what it’s worth, I’m sorry It’s hard to find focus on one thing
when there are ten that demand it When I focus and accomplish something I am reminded of the 9 somethings that I haven’t and curse myself for being unfocused —- Time will fly by as the flesh falls away And our lives fast-forward ten years too soon I don’t feel sadness from obligation or duty nor from guilt or regret and the thought of lost time I feel empathy surge through me every time you adjust yourself to breathe or sit comfortably —- I don’t have anger towards anyone or any ethereal being But I am upset that there was no preparation for this I’ve already learned what I think the big lesson is here: To never put off to tomorrow what must be dealt with today Because there is never enough time when there isn’t enough time —- I won’t be broken by this the way you two were I’ll do my best to do what’s right until what’s right doesn’t work But when my soul rejoins the Cosmos I will seek you both I hope that my oneness with the Universe will help me communicate how utterly hopeless your bad decisions have made me Don't forget to breathe
Perception < reality There are still blessings |
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May 2016
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