"So what is troubling you? Something to do with your dreams, if I remember my assistant's notes, correct?"
"It's plain and simple, doc: I am emotionally isolated from everyone I know. I mean, I love and care about those around me but always feel an internal separation of myself from them. It's like that brain disorder...what is it called...? When you feel like you're dead or in a dream even though you are physically alive and awake? Do you know--?" "--Yes, I believe it's called Cotard Delusion or Negation Delerium." "Right. My trouble is that despite my best efforts I am unable to get around the wall inside my head. Being participatory requires focus and attention; it just doesn't happen normally. I've been told that I am selfish and self-centered, or narcissistic, but that simply isn't the case. It's not that I care only about myself. My life would fall apart without those in my life but I've been told that's only because they make my life easier to deal with. I just know that there are things that I should say, do, or ask that show I care...but nothing pops into my brain. There is nothing except the constant playing of music inside my mind." "What have you done to address this on your own?" "I have to remind myself to do or say things in order to let others know that I am engaged in their lives and not in lost inside my mind. But the truth is that I get lost inside my mind without thinking about it. I over-analyze things and once thought that I had OCD...but I am disorganized and don't count things arbitrarily. In fact, I love surprises and new things. It's like I have pieces of OCD. I shouldn't have to remind myself to be involved in someone's life. It isn't right." "That might be due to your attention deficit disorder. Have you been taking your medication for that?" "No. I can't. When I take it, I do stay focused and am more engaged, but my brain feels like a piece of meat. It feels dead and lifeless. I really feel like I'm dead. How do I know if I am dead or dreaming?" "Robert, you certainly aren't dead but I think the dreaming part may be a reasonable explanation." "How so?" "Perhaps when you were unintentionally over-medicated as a child, it somehow reacted to your brain's chemistry? You were placed on rather experimental behavioral medications during your childhood; which wasn't out of the ordinary at that time. They just didn't test the medications like they should have. ...It could be that when your brain was growing, something in those medications changed the way you process your environment? It's difficult to say with you being so much older now, but I can assure you that you are very healthy and alive amongst us. Let's go back to the music in your head. Is it music, like your favorite songs or are annoying songs that repeat?" "No. Spontaneous music. Things from single instruments to entire symphonies of random, improvised music. It's hilarious, actually. I am a failed musician that has never recorded a single album, yet music is in my mind at all times." "I see. I have heard of some cases where patients with OCD or Lyme Disease experience this kind of thing, but it's more an auditory hallucination. We might see about starting you on some medications that aren't so invasive to your conscious activity. Perhaps you could take something at night, before bed? I may have to look into this a bit more. What's the average number of hours that you sleep?" "..." "Robert, are you listening?" "What? Oh. Sorry doc." |
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